America and Oompa loompas
by crazypony37
Summary: Side Story of I'm Pregant? What happens when Alfred finds himself in the ocean surrounded by oompa loompas ? Crazyness happens. Rated T for Russia and his strangeness


So yes this is the one shot some of you have been wanting. So i wrote this as a little side story thing to my other main story "I'm Pregnant" and i wrote it mostly because a certain some one forced me to *looksatroddy*. Haha just kidding i wanted to write this more then anything !

A few translations:

да [da]: (Russian) yes

Что :(Russian) what

If you get offended by the horrible English in this story... blame Alfred.

**Just to let you know this does contain some spoilers to Im Pregnant ... not too much though but still if you dont want to ruin bits of the ending dont read this untill im done with that story.**

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"So there I was, stark naked in the ocean with only and inflatable sex doll to keep me afloat. To some people this situation would freak the hell outta them, but me, I was totally cool… until I saw the oompa loompas."

Alfred dramatically looked down at the two children he had been babysitting for most of the day. Recently he had been trying to impress them with one of his favorite stories, before they had to go to bed. This simple explanation had seemed to work so far, at least for the little boy whose eyes were so big it was puzzling how they even fit on his face. His twin sister on the other hand just played with her doll as she watched her brother bounce around the room, ignoring the American like she had heard this story a million times.

"Now, you two little cuties are probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well just sit down an- Davet sit, not climb on my head! I can't talk with you on me!"

After extracting the young child from his head he cleared his throat and began again.

"Now if we can control ourselves I'll tell you the story, then give you a whole buncha' sugar before your parents get home."

And with this Alfred began his story.

*Crazy-awesome-American-narrative*

The date was June 18th 1972, and I found myself casually wondering the streets of L.A. searching for a McDonalds to quench my immense thirst for grease. It had taken awhile, but eventually I found one then chowed down on about three Big Macs (it had been a light meal.). After words I thanked the cashier lady for serving her country and left the fine establishment to continue my stroll. Sadly I didn't get too far before my boss found me.

Ya' see I was supposed to be having a meeting on Political affairs (the Cold War and what not) but I was skipping, 'cuz it was boring. Besides I totally knew what I needed to do to fix the Soviet problem. Alls my boss needed to do was let me go to Russia and beat the crap outta Braginsky with my new paddle I just bought (I called him Jeffery). But sadly after that whole "buried under ground with a loofah and a Barbie" incident I wasn't even allowed to think about crossing the Russian border, let alone actually do it.

Anyways my boss had pulled up in front of me in his shiny limo with the American flags that bravely flapped in the wind. With the back window lowered my boss shot me a glare.

"Get in the limo."

"You know there is nothing more beautiful then my flag."

"Alfred!"

"Ok jeeze I'm getting in!"

With little effort I heroically slid into the back seat and prepared myself for the lecture I was bound to receive.

"This is about me sneaking out of the meeting Mr. President Sir, isn't it."

"Alfred… you didn't sneak out of the meeting so much as you knocked over your chair, then ran out of the room screaming 'To Micky D's I go!"

"Hey! I was quiet!"

"Compared to what?"

"The sounds that come from Francis' room when he's got the door locked."

I laughed proudly as I watched a shocked look of disgust spread across my boss' face. It was rather amusing.

"No Alfred, this is not about the meeting. Actually it's about something far more important then that."

"IS MCD'S GOING OUTTA BUSSINESS!"

"No … I think McDonalds will be fine as long as you're alive. Could you atleast try to listen to me!"

The last sentence was yelled at me when my boss caught me sticking my head out of the sunroof.

"I came and got you because Braginsky was spotted in L.A.X. this morning."

"So?"

"That means he's in L.A. right now."

"HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE THIS IS SERIOUS! I NEED TO ACT NOW!"

Swiftly I jumped out of the limo and rolled under the traffic in the next lane. When I reached the sidewalk I stood as tall as I could and began my search for the platinum blonde.

"Where the hell is the commie scum scraper!"

Unfortunately my question was answered as a small helicopter descended to the parking lot next to where I was standing. Before it even reached the ground I watched as a tall man wearing a brown trench coat like thing jumped out, and began to walk up to me.

"You were looking for me да?"

As I gazed into his pure violetey-evil eyes I realized that I had a sweater at home that was the exact same shade. I then decided I would only use that sweater for a doormat.

"Yes, yes I was. And now that I've found you, I can take care of you !"

"Что?"

"Prepare to feel the wrath of Jeffery!"

Putting on my best war face I quickly charged at the stupid Russian brandishing Jeffery like a sword. When I swung at the Russian he somehow managed to block me with his weird faucet pipe. Suddenly I found myself locked in a power struggle as we fought against each others weapons.

"Haha your silly paddle is no match for Gretchen !"

"You wish! Like anything with the name Gretchen could beat Jeffery!"

"You're right Gretchen can't do it, but her sister Marie most certainly can!"

Out of no where the Russian pulled a coffee pot and chucked it at me. When it slammed into my face I could feel pain spread through out my, then numbness. Before I knew it I was sprawled out on the sidewalk and then I passed out, with the image of the crazy soviet looming over me.

When I woke up I found myself on a boat tied to a chair wearing nothing but my birthday suit. Turns out Braginsky's got some major kinks. From the other end of the boat I heard Ivan's creepy "koling". I looked up to find the bastard holding my cheeseburger boxers and smiling like a unicorn hyped up on sparkles.

"Wow I thought Antonio was bad, but you really take the pedo cake Ivan."

Obviously the creeper had just realized I was awake, and somehow hearing my voice only made his smile scarier. Not that I was scared though.

"Ah but you see, these boxers are only step one of my master plan."

"What plan you banana licker!"

"Well normally I would just take you home with me , but you and Gilbert would probably be too much to keep track of да?"

"Then what the fudge monkeys are you going to do!"

"Take pictures of you then send then to Hungary to be distributed through out Europe and select areas of Asia!"

Instantly I knew that this would not be good, at all, so I used my super epic strength to break my rope and dive off the ship. As soon as I landed in the water I started to swim like a madman. From behind I could hear Braginsky's loud curses, but I knew he was too afraid of non-frozen water to dive in after me. I had been swimming for awhile before I realized I had no idea where I was going. Somehow when I jumped off the ship I had managed to end up with an inflatable sex doll (most likely from the pile of creepy things Ivan had stacked next to me) so I used that to help me float as I tried to get my bearings.

Not too soon afterwards I head splashing around me. From the depths of the Pacific rose about 10 oompa loompas. In no time they had me surrounded, and they didn't look to friendly.

*end-of-crazy-narration*

"So what did you do next Uncle Alfred!"

Alfred smiled down at the hyper little boy listening to him from the carpet.

"Well Davet it turns out that the oompa loompas were only looking for directions to Cincinnati. After pointing them in the right direction, they drove me to shore on their jet skis. Once I got back to land I sold one of the jet skis they didn't need bought some clothes, and found my boss. The End."

"Whoa!"

"Yes Davet whoa. Now there are six bags of M&M's waiting for you in the kitchen!"

"Yay!"

Faster then a blink of an eye the small boy shot from the floor to the kitchen. _Ahh the lil' tyke's so much like I was. _He began to follow after him when the girl on the floor tugged his pant leg.

"Uncle?"

"Yes Tiffany?"

"How many bloody drugs were you on that day?"

Striking his best pose Alfred proudly answered.

"Oh Tiffany I was high alright. High on democracy!"

The End

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Yeah Alfred really is a horrible babysitter isn't he ... Well i guess i would rather leave my kids with him then Antonio o_o

Can anyone guess who the twins are ? Probably it's kind of obvious :p

Thanks for reading and any reveiws (good or bad) make my day so reveiw away if ya feel like it :D


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